When my feelings shape my thoughts (and I don’t notice it)

Last week, I wrote my first blog post on the Megan Khung case, and I shared it on Facebook. A friend responded that he had expected a longer commentary and he was looking forward to a more critical dissection of the issues at hand.

He sounded disappointed. Yes, I did not offer smart takes, insights or solutions in my post. In fact, I had been intentional to use the writing as a way to process my emotions and seek clarity for myself.

I replied to him, “Thanks for thinking well of me. I didn’t think this was the right time for analysis and insights, considering how emotive this issue has been (and may still be for a while). I didn’t feel right myself either, and I noticed my own emotions kept running ahead of my thoughts. And I realised, clear thoughts are not possible with clogged hearts. So, another time maybe!”

“I noticed my emotions kept running ahead of my thoughts.”

How often are we able to notice such things? This time, it became more noticeable to me because I had slowed myself down through the process of writing. Most times though, I don’t catch myself.

But, why is this a big deal? Let me give an example. Once, I had a client. At one point in our journey, the big boss was going through difficult personal issues at home. However, being the consummate professional he was, he tried to block it out and not let it get in the way of work.

But it did get in the way. Everyone else noticed it in his mood, energy and morale. But no one felt comfortable to ask him directly. They tried to give him his space, even working around him, even as he tried to engage at the full speed of work. By trying to keep his emotions at bay and continue “business-as-usual”, it was hardly usual and I think it might have taken a greater toll on him and others around him.

Sometimes, the effect is not so obvious.

When I was going through Gestalt training, my instructors and classmates gave me feedback that I was expressing a lot of “thinking” and not much of “feeling”. I was surprised to hear that, and I may even have felt a bit defensive. After all, my MBTI says I’m “F” (i.e. feeling, in contrast to thinking), something which my wife agrees. In fact, she says I’m high “F” (I think I may have felt quite defensive hearing that!)

I decided to try an experiment. I decided to journal my experience of writing my first blog post. More specifically, it's the “experience of the experience” - meaning, how I feel “here and now" in-the-moment about how that blogging experience went. I did exactly that, journaling in pen and paper.

After doing so, I decided to colour code what I had written using the method of the Experience Cube. In short, our experiences are created by four elements - our observations, our feelings, our thoughts and our wants. Typically, most of us are more conscious in noticing, applying and expressing certain aspects more than others. This lob-sidedness can skew our experiences.

When I applied the colour coding, this is what my journal entry looks like - yellow (observations), orange (feelings), green (thoughts), blue (wants).

As it turns out, my Gestalt community was correct! But not surprising. Gestalt is a practice that sharpens one’s ability to sense and notice things, and intervene. I was in the presence of very good Gestalt teachers and practitioners, and they had given me feedback to help me become more aware about myself, learn and grow. I am grateful for their intervention.

Was my wife wrong then? Well, for one, the wife is never wrong ;-) But jokes aside, what’s possibly happening is that I express a lot of thinking to others, AND, they may be shaped by my feelings just that I am not aware of that. If true, this would be quite a blindside!

What about you? What might your experience patterns be like? 

If you were to ask someone who knows you well, what would they describe the way you come across to them? If you could track yourself through the Experience Cube, which aspects of experience tend to show up most naturally and obviously for you, and which tend to show up least? What might be the implication of that, and would you want to work towards a different mix/balance?