What do I do when leaders disappoint me?

One week has passed since my last post on the US military intervention in Venezuela. The world remains a pretty turbulent and uncertain place. Apart from the originating event, I have also paid attention to how leaders have responded - world leaders and also leaders in my own country.

My interest in leaders’ responses is multifold.

• I have interest in how this episode plays out. But as everyday people, we do not have the voice or influence to effect change, certainly not for issues of this global scale. So we count on our leaders to do so, even though we are a small country so our leaders may also be limited in what they can say or do in relation to other countries and the superpowers.
• In difficult times like this, I think we also look to leaders to teach us and role-model for us what are the right and wrong ways to respond. We are always watching and learning, and so do our younger generation.

Here, I have found myself at times comforted and inspired, and at other times confused, disappointed or even angry. 

• For example, my former prime minister has spoken out quite forcefully. Granted, he is now a senior minister so he has some latitude to speak his mind. Still, it’s a huge relief to hear what he says. 
• In comparison, (without mentioning names) a former diplomat leader’s messages confuse me. While he is great at educating all of us on realpolitik, there’s something about the way he talks that sounds almost gleeful that the incident has happened, downplaying some aspects of severity and seemingly even cheering some things on. Granted, this is just how I perceive his messages (although you would think that diplomats are well trained to know how they may be perceived).

Anyway, the point of this post is less about those leaders and their responses, and more about my relationship with leadership and authority (in general). More recently, I have been exploring and reflecting more about this, for example, the standards and expectations I have of leaders and authority figures, and how I feel when they disappoint me.

If I have to summarise what I am learning about myself:

•  I valorise leaders and authority. I accord them a great deal of weight and significance. I pay attention to how they think, what they say and how they show up. And I hope they live up to my standards and expectations of them. 
• I think a few things contributed to this worldview of mine. My parents were civil servants, hence from a formative age I was taught how to show up in the presence of authority, how to interact with them and to defer to them. I myself worked many years in public service, and so I absorbed more lessons myself. Even today, when I have to step into some leadership role, I hold myself to the same yardsticks and I can be quite harsh on myself when I fall short of them.
• And so, I've learned to place leaders on a pedestal. Which makes it all the more disorienting when they disappoint me. BUT … I realise that leaders, like all of us, are human. On one hand, they have formal roles and responsibilities to fulfil. On the other hand, they are also individuals with their own personal beliefs, histories, traumas, biases, preferences and such. How do we expect those two parts of someone to overlap or interact, or at all? 

For me, this self-awareness and self-work is important for a few reasons:

1. I want to grow in my CLARITY. Being able to notice and differentiate the leader and the private side of them, helps to shape my own expectations of leaders. It helps me to form more realistic expectations of them. It also helps me to distinguish which parts of them are worth respecting and accepting, and which parts I can leave aside. Coming back to the example of the diplomat leader, I can learn to differentiate which of his perspectives are educational for me and I want to absorb, and which perspectives are his personal ones which I can disagree with and reject.

2. I want to achieve HEALTHIER DIFFERENTIATION. I want to continue to hold high expectations of authority figures, yet also not be too emotionally attached to, hijacked by, or become stuck, when they do not hold up to my expectations of them.

3. I want to grow in my own LEADERSHIP. When leaders do disappoint me (and many will), what do I choose to do next? Do I judge and criticise them, perhaps wishfully thinking they will be moved to change and rise to the occasion? Or, (how) can I rise to the occasion myself and not wait for the leaders to do so? If I do have to disagree with or push back on a leader, how much am I willing to lean into the discomfort and make the contact?

As a saying goes, we are often waiting for Superman; we wish (or expect) our leaders to be supermen and superwomen. For me, more constructive is to ask some questions of ourselves. This will help us to discover more about our own relationship with leadership and authority, and with courage perhaps we can also grow a little more in our own leadership.